Three words that will change your life | Dr. Mark Holder | TEDxKelowna


Translator: Ta-Fen Hwang
Reviewer: Queenie Lee Thank you for giving me the opportunity to talk about something
I’m really passionate about: happiness. I lead a research team
at the University of British Columbia that studies the science of happiness. Lead a research team, how arrogant is that? Let me tell you what I really do. What I really do is I work
with really bright undergraduates, graduate students, and professors who do just terrific work
that I shamelessly take credit for. And that’s I am going to do now, just another example of it. And I’ve been doing this
for the last ten years. In the last ten years,
I’ve identified three words. Three words that will change your life
by increasing your happiness. But, like a timeshare talk, (Laughter) you’ve got to wait till the very end
before you get the reward, which is the three words. (Laughter) When I found out
the theme of this talk was “What I want to be when I grow up,” I thought it was
a perfect fit, a lovely fit. Because for most of us
near the top of the list, at the top of the list: we want to be happy. And it reminded me of a story –
a story by John Lennon, a former member of the Beatles. John Lennon said, that when he was a young boy, growing up, his mum said to him, “John, the most important thing in life, the most important thing is to be happy.” So, when John was in grade school, the teacher assigned a task to the class and asked each child a question. And the question was: “What do you want to be
when you grow up?” And John Lennon said,
“I want to be happy!” And the teacher said, “No, John. You don’t understand the question.” And John Lennon said,
“No, you don’t understand life.” (Laughter) And I think that criticism
that John Lennon levelled at his teacher is a criticism that can be levelled at health researchers
and health care practitioners. It can be levelled at people like me. Because we kind of missed out
on what life is about, about happiness. Let me demonstrate that
in the following quote. “Much has been gained if we succeed
in taking your hysterical misery and turning it into common unhappiness.” Really!? I hate this quote. And the reason I dislike this quote
so much is first off: it is wrong. We’ve now measured happiness in thousands and thousands and thousands
of children, adolescents, and adults. We’ve measured happiness in people from Zambia to New Delhi, from Dubai to Western Canada. And what we find,
it’s happiness that’s common, not unhappiness. And the second reason I dislike this quote is because it sets the bar so low for us. It says we are successful
if we take people from the emotional dregs and raise them up
a smidgen to unhappiness. Really? We can do more than that, and we can do better than that. And part of doing more and better are the three words
that can change your life. Well, this is actually a quote
by Sigmund Freud, the father of psychoanalytic theory, and tells us about the roots of psychology through such a negative lens, and it’s not just the roots of psychology,
it’s current psychology. In my office, I’ve got a dictionary. It’s a great, big, fat dictionary
of all the words psychologists use. So I took that dictionary, and I looked up
the word “depression” in it, and there are 18 different
definitions of depression. We know a lot about depression. So then I looked up “happiness,” 18 definitions of depression, happiness? It wasn’t in it. It’s like it’s not in the vocabulary
of current psychologists, and it’s not just
a criticism of psychology. Psychology, medicine, psychiatry,
and neuroscience, they’ve all traditionally focused on what’s wrong with you
and how do we fix it. They are about deficits,
disease, and dysfunction. And that is a really good thing. It’s a good thing. Because of it, we’ve got new approaches,
and ways of identifying and helping people with mental health
and physical health challenges. It’s a really good thing. I just don’t believe it’s the only thing. And again, we can do more than this, and we can do better than this. And one way of doing more and better
is a newly emerging field of psychology – a field called positive psychology. Positive psychology isn’t about what’s wrong with you
and how do we fix it. Positive psychology is about what’s right with you
and how do we promote it. What’s right with you – what’s right with you is your ability
to love and be loved by others. It’s your kindness. It’s your gratitude. It’s your strength,
your courage, your bravery. It’s about what contributes
to your thriving and flourishing. It’s what makes life worth living and of course, that includes
your happiness. One of the things that the research
in positive psychology has shown us over the last 20 years is there’s no one-size-fits-all
model for happiness. What makes me happy is quite likely
different from what makes you happy. And what makes you happy now is different from what made you happy
ten years ago or 20 years in the future. There’s no single recipe
that will increase your happiness at all times and for all people. But the other thing
positive psychology has taught us is that happy people
share one thing in common. They have strong high quality
personal relationships. It’s really difficult
to find somebody who is happy, who doesn’t have good personal friendships and/or are engaged in a satisfying
romantic relationship. So, who benefits
from these personal relationships? Well, the literature and science is full of examples
of how adults are happier if they have personal relationships. In our own work,
we’ve looked at children, and we find that children are happy if they’ve got friendships
and friends they see regularly. In fact, even imaginary friends help. Children with imaginary
friends are happier. They laugh more; they smile more; they are happier. And it’s not just people
from the general population. We’ve also looked at people
in vulnerable populations. For example, we’ve looked at people
with acquired brain injury, people that have brain damage
from a car accident or from a stroke. And they’re not as happy. Not all of them, some of them stay happy. And those that stay happy
with brain injuries, those that are sort of
buffered or immunized against the deficits
or the problems of a brain injury, are those with high quality
social relationships; they protect them from unhappiness. We’ve looked at people
with emotional processing disorders. One of them is alexithymia. Alexithymia is a disorder where people have difficulty identifying and communicating
the emotions of their own and others. If you were on a date
with somebody with alexithymia, and you said, “How are you feeling?” They would say,
“I’m going to the store later today.” And you go, “It doesn’t seem quite right.” So you say, “What? No, no. I mean inside!
Inside, how are you really feeling?” And they might say,
“Well, I’m a little hungry.” They don’t get the emotional world
and they’re unhappy. And their unhappiness is explained in part
by their poor social relationships. And we look at psychopathy and happiness. Psychopaths are Ted Bundys
of the societies. They’re not nice people. They manipulate. They cheat. They use others. They feel no remorse. They feel no empathy. They use people. And I thought maybe people
that are psychopaths would be really happy. After all, they get what they want. And they don’t feel badly about it,
in terms of using others. On the other hand,
I thought maybe they’re really unhappy. After all, they’ve got really
poor social relationships that are characterized
by manipulating others. Well, it turns out psychopaths
are really unhappy, and their unhappiness is explained
by their poor social relationships. So this is how we normally see it. We see that personal relationships
make us happy. And yes, this is what
the research literature tells us. And it’s the opposite too,
that happiness improves our relationship. So given the tight connection between our personal relationships
and our happiness, we should be looking at happiness
when we’re developing relationships. If you’re courting somebody,
if you’re wooing somebody, if you’re online dating, and you see a profile
of an attractive person, and you go “Wow! Add to cart.” (Laughter) When you do these things,
we need to take into account happiness. So, a survey was done of undergraduates, and they were asked, “What do you look for
in your relationship with a partner, a romantic partner,
a long-lasting enduring romantic partner?” Well, these are undergraduates. So you have to explain it to them. You say – The undergraduates will say,
“A long-term romantic relationship? Do you mean like for the entire weekend?” And that’s not what we really mean here, we mean a long-term relationship where you think about
may be having children with the person, spending the rest of your life with them.” And this is what the undergraduates
would say when they get it: 53% of them say love is important.
32% say companionship is important. 4% recognize romance,
2% recognize financial security, and 1% – just 1% of them say sex. And these results
are important for two reasons. The first thing it shows us is that only 1%
of the undergraduates are honest. (Laughter) (Applause) Thank you. And the second thing
it shows us is we got it wrong. One of the single best predictors
of your happiness is the happiness of your romantic partner. Other people matter. So, I know what you’re thinking right now. I can actually read your minds –
comes with the psychology background. You are thinking: Yeah, relationships and happiness
are well interconnected. And you’re golden. You’re golden because you
have 6,318 Facebook friends. But that’s not what we mean here. It’s the quality of your relationships
that count, not the quantity. Think of the beautiful Scottish saying: You can count the true friends
in your entire lifetime on the fingers of just one hand. And that’s what we’re referring to. 25 years ago, when people were asked: List your friends, the friends you can go to
in case of a serious setback, like you had a mental health illness. Who could you go talk to? 25 years ago, people listed three friends. But now it’s different. Now we have Facebook, we have SnapChat,
now we have Twitter, tweeting, and email. And it has gone, from 25 years ago,
from mere three friends, now it’s gone all the way up
to one and a half friends. We’ve gone in the wrong direction. You know that on Facebook
you post, on Twitter you tweet, and on eHarmony you lie. (Laughter) But I don’t think
it’s too big a stretch for us to recognize that the social platforms
can actually get in the way of our communication
which is essential for relationships, as illustrated here. (Laughter) So, given the importance
of personal relationships, what do we do to nurture them? What has science told us about this? Well, finally … This is where the three words
that will change your life come into play. These three words were developed
in interviews with people with chronic … diabetes. These are hospital patients. The researchers
went to the hospital patients, and by using three simple words, the patients felt much more connected,
much more attached, much more bonded to the interviewers,
just with three simple words. And these three words are “Tell me more.” When you’re in a personal relationship
talking to somebody, and you lean forward,
and you look them in their eye, and you say, “Tell me more,” it means: I’m not going on
to my own story. I’m not interrupting you. Your story is valid.
It means something to me. Tell me more. And it comes from the value of listening. When I ask my undergraduates,
“Why do you listen in a conversation?” They talk about the value to the listener. They say we listen to somebody
to get information. And they’re right. That’s a good reason. But if that’s the only reason you listen, then once you know the information, once you think you know
what the person is going to say, you stop listening and you interrupt. But there’s also value
to the speaker when we listen. When we listen to the speaker, it allows them a chance to express
their thoughts and their feelings. When we listen, it validates the speaker to tell them
that their story is important. When we listen, it gives the speaker a chance
to find their solutions just by talking. When we listen, it allows us to celebrate
the success of the speaker and allows us to console them
if they’ve had setbacks. Tell me more. Tell me more is a way that you can
give the speaker all that value. And there are three bonus words. It’s a good thing
you’re here this afternoon because we can’t do this deal all day. (Laughter) There are three additional words
that they used. What happened next? It’s served the same purpose
validating the speaker. Tell me more. What happened next? Two phrases, each with three simple words. Three simple words
that will change your life. It’ll change your life
by improving your personal relationships. It will change your life
by making you happier. Three simple words. “Tell me more” and “What happened next?” are three simple words that you can use to improve
your relationship with strangers, people who just aren’t friends yet. To improve your relationship
with your children, with your co-workers, with your family,
with your loved ones, with your friends. Three simple words that will improve your relationships,
increase your happiness. Three simple words you can do right now. So that you can do more, and you can do better. Thanks so much! (Applause)

100 Comments

  1. What a great talk! I'd love to learn more about the Positive Psychology movement after watching this video. Interesting concept of linking happiness to our external relationships rather than making it purely about an internal state of mind. Makes sense to me.

  2. I am 20 and i still barely ever had friends. The best and the worst moments of my life I have been alone. So this whole video is a bit irrelevant to me :/

    Also, i am one of the happiest people (maybe happiest, i have never seen anybody as effortlessly happy and content with their life as myself) i know and one of my most social and most popular friends is the most depressed creature i have ever laid eyes on.
    So this whole idea of "happiness comes with relationships", is, in my opinion, false.

  3. why he look so unhappy??
    because, dr. got it wrong. HAPPINESS is the ultimate purpose of our life. He is right to say that our happiness depends on the situation and time but True happiness or the inner peace is consistent which you can acquire by training your mind by meditation and yoga and so on.

  4. I love to talk,and a lot of people (i think) like to listen , i think this is because its a chance for them to engage in the company of others without taking chances of 'spilling-the-beans' which might make them feel uncomfortable, or saying something and being challenged.
    I have written on a paper in my wallet, your three big words,"tell me more" and "what happened next", these words ,apart from being communication tools remind me that the other person who is listening also has an existence of there own and might want to share some of it with a listener. I'm really glad you shared your time with us, and for Ted lectures. Thanks.

  5. You can be unhappy even the whole world loves you. Happiness comes from you not from others. Let life go through you and dont try to grasp it you will become fulfilled, free and happy
    Ps. I love you (i mean it:D)

  6. ALLAH IS INFINITE LOVE EVERY ONE OF US IS CREATED BY HIM ,EVERY ONE IS SPECIAL, BE KIND,LOVING ANDSHARING ,,KEEP SMALL THINGS SMALL,LEARNTO SAY SORRY,KNOW THAT NO BODY IS PERFACT,LEARN TO RELAX,AND ENJOY ALL GOOD THINGS IN LIFE,SMILE OFTEN,SAY THANK YOU,,,,ABOVE ALL KEEP YOUR LIFE SIMPLE

  7. Do you think all these people who deliver motivational lectures, are really happy people?
    I doubt.

  8. That's what I tell every woman- to give me room to think about something else while she thinks she's being validated. Win win

  9. Tell me more of what? What is happiness?Can anyone define it? Waste of time, Human beings are too complex to understand.

  10. Dr. Holder, I am very interested in the subject and I like your talk. May I inform you though, that the Freud quote is neither translated correctly nor quotes in context. I might sound harsh, and I apologize. I did study Freud's writings at the University of Vienna, in German. Freud in this quote refers to patients with severe depression and other mental health problems, especially conversion disorders. It was actually a hopeful message in context if I dare say so.

    It's been awhile since my studies thus this quite general answer. I might just look it up sometime.
    The historical context is also important, the books written after 1900 and Freud being the founder of psychological thinking, the first such doctor in Europe.

  11. Alarming Message to
    Muslim & Non-Muslim Religious Scholars
    At the Cost of My Neck.

    29:46 And argue not with the People of
    the Scripture unless it be in (a way) that is better, save with such of them as
    do wrong, and say: We believe in that which hath been revealed unto us and
    revealed unto you; our God and your God is One, and unto Him we surrender.
                                  By the Grace of
                  The Supreme Numerical Law Maker
    Am created from amongst mortal mankind!Ø 
    Am chosen from amongst the whole of mankind!Ø
    Am created to illuminate deafØ & blind mankind! 
    Am created to heal mankind victimized byilluminati!Ø 
    Am inspired with WORDSØ from behind the curtain! 
    Am exposed SECRETS of the Holy Quran!Ø 
    Am an EXCEPTIONØ amongst mortal mankind! 
    Am never victimized by SATANØ to feel pride of all! 
    Once dreamed that none of mankind everdreamed!Ø 
    Once eyes saw HEAVENLY LIGHTØ – But still doubt!

    42:51 And it was not (vouchsafed) to any mortal that Allah should speak to him unless (it be) by
    revelation or from behind a veil, or (that) He sendeth a messenger to reveal
    what He will by His leave. Lo! He is Exalted, Wise.

    42:52 And thus have We inspired in thee (Muhammad) a Spirit of Our command. Thou knewest not what
    the Scripture was, nor what the Faith. But we have made it a light whereby We
    guide whom We will of Our bondmen. And lo! thou verily dost guide unto a right path;

    42:53 The path of Allah, unto Whom belongeth whatsoever is in the heaven and whatsoever is in the
    earth. Do not all things reach Allah at last?

    17:88 Say: Verily, though mankind and the Jinn should assemble to produce the like of this Qur'an,
    they could not produce the like thereof though they were helpers one of
    another.

    17:89 And verily We have displayed for mankind in this Qur'an all kinds of similitudes, but most of
    mankind refuse aught save disbelief. binibrahim – 09-11-2018 (Friday)

  12. AS A SOCIOPATH. THIS WILL HELP ME RECEIVE MORE INFORMATION. SO I CAN – – – – – – – – UNDERSTAND THEM BETTER.

  13. What about the personal relationships that make us unhappy? I think we have whatever relationships in our lives so that we can grow and become better people. Can someone REALLY be happy nowadays when we know how much suffering is around? I'm trying to, but I can't.

  14. Impressive speaker….these three word works. Tell me more. And what happened next. With These word,we respect others feeling……nice talking

  15. This is very very inspiring speech. Especially about positive psychology.
    By the way, I use his 3 words all the time to people around me. "Tell me more. What happened next?" That's why they love to talk to me. But I use these 3 words because I don't want to open up to others. Sharing my life is too scary. Therefore I just close myself up inside because listening to others is easier and safer for me. Dr.Holder should have considered people like me too and figure out how to help.

  16. 3 words: “Tell. Me. More” & “What happened next?” Happiness is found in improving and fulfilled relationships

  17. This is exactly what we are missing. We don't communicate well with one another. Well, most of us do not.
    1) Tell Me More
    2) What Happened Next?
    But you will need to watch the video to understand what these phrases and questions mean.

  18. don't ask just be happy : ) by small thins and do not bonded happiness with financial succed and success at all,hapiness is independed, it is positive awarness without complaying,ambitions, just calm and balanced being withot judging,counting and valuating others and self,just be happy of differencess and when you wanna discover this not fight against to it you were happy-by not controling your life,others and succesed,you cannot controlled them just set them free and be happy and set free all things you care about,let them live their lifes,just be flexible, do not pushing and holding-that activieties is illusionary and never say smthng bad about other people-that judje come back and make you unhappy by your ideal sick ambittions to be better and conviction that you are better than others,it is simple,just open your eyes and start too loking hoe beauty world is,leaves,clouds,sun..do not collected things because you need to be worry of and controlled and do not forget people are not a things,animals to-they have inteligence and emotions,animals are smarted than people; they do not collected and eat too much in nature,they do not have selfdistructive behaviours,alfa wolf is this one who lead becase he can the best solving problems in the herd and do not fight,becase fight means death in natue-in psychology too,do not fight,grov,develop and control you emotion and needs,be self aware and concentrated and stop think about the others and scares them,turn off tivi and do not put your awarness on negative news and movies about killing,injuring,cheating,bad things- how you can be happy with traumas like that? your brain do not feal a differece beetween movie and reality,stop watching murders every evening in tivi,reading about them in a newspapers,stop complain and do not listen complaines,be tolerante and open,sing and play music,improve love to everybody-try to understand,feel their situation,share everything especially positive thought and dont scared what people can say-it only your immagination tricks,help others

  19. “Tell Me More!”
    So many people are listening to respond not to relate and hear the other. It’s important to Relate – to Validate the other and allow them to be seen and heard! It shows them they matter and you get to be a part of their growth and sense of BEing witnessed in this life!
    It will change Your Life Just as it will change theirs!!! 💜
    Improve your relationships by Relating and Listening! Do More so you can do Better!

  20. Obviously this person never had to do in real life and in the relationships with real sociopaths : it's true that they are unhappy, but absolutely not because of not having relationships. It shows that he even doesn't know the reasons of the sociopathy and their "not feeling anything" or feeling a deep pain…

  21. What if, you dread the thought of, suffering through, listening to, a single syllable of, people's UNCONSCIONABLE BABBLE?

  22. Most people are unhappy because they spend most of their time working stressful jobs they hate with other stressed out people.

  23. I don't think anyone can define others how they feel what's best for them or good and so on unless they walk in those shoes and the same path.

  24. What if your stuck being the listener and never have a chance to be the speaker because your always listening and making sure they get to express what they are feeling.

  25. i have been listenin to the ted talks a long the day while i was playin fornite, and this one was the only could catch me, wonderfull job there bro!

  26. Western cultures tend to measure everything even non measurable human basic instincts .. I live is USA and I am shocked how they make it a huge programme to remind adults how being physically active is good for their health. Isn’t this a basic thing to know without even thinking? Just like happiness.. it is all is social basic social connections .. not social media but the basic social life….. if you live an individualistic and extreme capitalistic life you will spend 1000 years debating about happiness and will never find it yet it is that simple .

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